Lydia on Leadership

Kindness From the Inside Out

Do you think you’re a kind person?  Even if you do, would you like to be kinder?  It takes practice to be able to put yourself and your own needs aside in order to think about someone else.  Many people struggle with controlling their ego; even more don’t realize their ego exists.  The ego according to Dyer is the part of us that believes: I am what I have, I am what I do, I am what others think of me.  This creates a problem because what happens when you no longer do what you do, or no longer have what you have?  You will lose all of your self-value.  The ego is an illusion that is often at odds with universal laws and principles.  It wants you to feel special and different than others when the reality is that we share more in common than we have differences. 

Throughout your life, you will meet many people who have different backgrounds, personalities, and beliefs than you.  This does not mean that they do not deserve all of your respect and kindness.  Remember that anytime you exclude or judge someone else, you are not defining them but instead are defining yourself as someone who needs to judge others. When you encounter someone who is irritating, rude, or destructive, try to stop yourself from getting frustrated.  This angry, nasty or rude behaviour is usually simply a plea to be loved.  Dr. Dyer suggests this: “Ask that surly waiter or harried airline clerk something about themselves or express empathy.  Anything to let a person know that, in that moment, I'm thinking more about them than about myself. And you know what happens? Instantly you see a smile.” If you feel offended by another person, get your ego out of the way so you will be able to stop taking yourself so seriously and connect back to kindness. 

To keep the ego at bay, he encourages us to focus on radical humility and respect for ourselves and others.  Meditation is a great way to solve these problems and help you to achieve inner peace. One of the best ways to center yourself is to quiet your mind to and get to a place of "no where.”  One of the most important lessons that Dr. Wayne Dyer teaches is something I have been writing about in my blogs, and that is learning how to cultivate kindness, love and empathy within and for yourself.  You can only give others what you have inside of you.  He uses the metaphor of squeezing an orange. If you ask someone what comes out when you squeeze it, most people answer, "orange juice." Why? Because that is what is inside. “When humans are squeezed,” Dyer explains “what comes out of them is what they harbor inside of themselves. Harbor love, acceptance, joy, confidence, peace and harmony towards yourself so that you can radiate it towards others.”

It makes sense, then, that in order to show love, kindness, or respect for others, you must first show it for yourself.

Kindness From the Inside Out

In my last blog I talked about integrity and how having integrity means that there is an alignment between what's inside of you and what you project on the outside.  There will be no difference in how you feel about yourself and how you show yourself to those around you when you're being real to your values.  To have integrity within yourself and to be seen as a person with integrity goes hand in hand, and the same goes for other qualities such as kindness, compassion and love.  You have to be kind to yourself, compassionate towards yourself, and you have to love yourself before you can give these things to others.   

Working to become a more compassionate person is not just a helpful leadership skill.  It’s also a way to ensure you’re living a healthy and happy lifestyle.  As I mentioned in my last blog, there have been studies that show the development of compassion can produce an increase in DHEA, which is a hormone that counteracts the aging process, and a decrease in cortisol, the “stress hormone.”  On top of this, there have also been studies that link compassion and kindness to the serotonin levels found in our bodies.  Serotonin is the hormone our body produces to create a feeling of well-being and happiness.  When someone is the recipient of a random act of kindness, it has been found that their serotonin levels increase, which causes them to be happier.  This idea isn’t surprising.  Think about how good you feel when someone is kind to you and you can guess for yourself what is happening chemically inside your brain.  What is surprising, however, is that the serotonin levels of the provider of the random act of kindness as well as an observer of this act were found to increase the same amount as the recipient.  Dr. Wayne Dyer summarizes the findings of this study when he says, “An interesting physical phenomenon occurs when you are kind to someone. Both you and the person you are kind to end up with a good feeling, a real increased level of serotonin, the calming, feeling-good hormone. Even better, the witnesses to this act of kindness also feel good, and their serotonin levels increase as well.” 

When an act of kindness occurs, everyone involved, even someone who has merely watched it happen, is affected in a positive way.  Dr. Dyer, like me, is an optimist.  If people can begin to grasp the idea that everything they do affects everything and everyone around them, including themselves, hopefully they will “start practicing acts of kindness and acts of love and eventually, inch by inch, the world [will be] a better place."

7 Steps to Compassion

I read the piece below on the Seeds of Compassion website and found it very interesting and practical.  This is something you can do every day with minimal effort and it has the potential to change the way you live and the way you develop relationships with the people around you.  Last week, I saw Dr. Wayne Dyer, author of the book “Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life,” on The Ellen DeGeneres Show.  He repeated something the Dalai Lama had said, which is that if every child, starting at the age of five, were taught to meditate for one hour a week on compassion, in one generation we could end all violence and the prospect of war on our planet forever.  This theory really highlights how important compassion is and how by simply increasing the compassion within yourself, you can change the world.

Seeds of Compassion

The key to developing compassion in your life is to make it a daily practice.
Meditate upon it in the morning, think about it when you interact with others, and reflect on it at night. In this way, it becomes a part of your life.  As the Dalai Lama also said, “This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.”

There are scientific studies that suggest there are physical benefits to practicing compassion — people who practice it produce 100 percent more DHEA, which is a hormone that counteracts the aging process, and 23 percent less cortisol — the “stress hormone.”  The main benefit is that it helps you to be happier, and brings others around you to be happier. 

This guide contains 7 different practices that you can try out and perhaps incorporate into your every day life.

1. Morning ritual. The Dalai Lama suggests: “Today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can.”

2. Empathy Practice. Imagine that a loved one is suffering. Now try to imagine the pain they are going through. Imagine the suffering in as much detail as possible. After doing this practice for a couple of weeks, you should try moving on to imagining the suffering of others you know, not just those who are close to you.

3. Commonalities practice. Instead of recognizing the differences between yourself and others, try to recognize what you have in common. At the root of it all, we are all human beings. We need food, and shelter, and love. We crave attention, and recognition, and affection, and above all, happiness. One of the best exercises comes from a great article from Ode Magazine — it’s a five-step exercise to try when you meet friends and strangers. Do it discreetly and with your attention geared to the other person, tell yourself:

— Step 1: “Just like me, this person is seeking happiness in his/her life.”
— Step 2: “Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.”
— Step 3: “Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.”
— Step 4: “Just like me, this person is seeking to fill his/her needs.”
— Step 5: “Just like me, this person is learning about life.”

4. Relief of suffering practice. Imagine the suffering of a human being you’ve met recently. Now imagine that you are the one going through that suffering. Reflect on how much you would like that suffering to end. Reflect on how happy you would be if another human being desired your suffering to end, and acted upon it. Open your heart to that human being and if you feel even a little that you’d want their suffering to end, reflect on that feeling. That’s the feeling that you want to develop. With constant practice, that feeling can be grown and nurtured.

5. Act of kindness practice. Imagine again the suffering of someone you know or met recently. Imagine again that you are that person, and are going through that suffering. Now imagine that another human being would like your suffering to end. What would you like for that person to do to end your suffering? Now reverse roles: you are the person who desires for the other person’s suffering to end. Imagine that you do something to help ease the suffering, or end it completely. Practice doing something small each day to help end the suffering of others, even in a tiny way. Even a smile, or a kind word, or doing an errand or chore, or just talking about a problem with another person.

6. Those who mistreat us practice. When we encounter someone who mistreats us, instead of acting in anger, withdraw. Later, when you are calm and more detached, reflect on that person who mistreated you. Try to imagine the background of that person. Try to imagine the mood and state of mind that person was in — the suffering that person must have been going through to mistreat you that way. And understand that their action was not about you, but about what they were going through. Now think some more about the suffering of that poor person, and see if you can imagine trying to stop the suffering of that person. And then reflect that if you mistreated someone, and they acted with kindness and compassion toward you, whether that would make you less likely to mistreat that person the next time, and more likely to be kind to that person.

7. Evening routine. I highly recommend that you take a few minutes before you go to bed to reflect upon your day. Think about the people you met and talked to, and how you treated each other. Think about your goal that you stated this morning, to act with compassion towards others. How well did you do? What could you do better? What did you learn from your experiences today? And if you have time, try one of the above practices and exercises.

Putting Compassion into Action

On Saturday, the Dalai Lama spoke to a crowd of over 50,000 people at Seattle’s Qwest Field about the importance of putting compassion into action, no matter how large or small. Urging people to use nonviolent dialogue to resolve problems, he explained the process in more depth, saying:

“Nonviolence is not just the absence of violence, but facing problems with determination, vision and a wider perspective while deliberately resisting using force.”

In order to prevent emotions like suspicion and fear from taking control, compassion has to be promoted alongside praying and meditating. The scope of the Dalai Lama’s personal compassion was highlighted in his statement that “everyone has right to overcome suffering. Six billion human beings are ultimate source of my happiness, so it’s in my interest to be concerned about all of them.” He made a suggestion for our world leaders, saying they may be able to act more compassionately if they gathered with their families for a week or two with no politics, business, or agenda. His idea is that once they know each other as humans, “then maybe when some serious differences come, they can try to form some effort.”

A participant in the event at Qwest Field, Hilary Wogau, told the Seattle Times that she believes the time is right for the Dalai Lama to speak to the people and create some change. “I think with the economy the way it is and all the things happening in the world, I think people want to have hope. They want to do things differently. I think the Dalai Lama inspires people. And I think people are willing to hear it,” Wogau stated, acknowledging that a five-day event may not be long enough for any lasting change to take place, “but if you don’t inspire, you won’t have action.” And action is exactly what the Dalai Lama preaches. A quote on the Seeds of Compassion website says, “True compassion is not just an emotional response, but a firm commitment founded on reason.”

Some things to think about:

• How can you put your compassion into action today?
• What would be the impact of that?
• What personal satisfaction would you get?         

The Science of Compassion and Empathy

This past Friday, the Dalai Lama spoke to a crowd of 22,000 at the University of Washington’s Edmundson Pavilion in Seattle. It was the first of his many appearances during his five day visit to the American city for a series of events designed to nurture compassion. The Nobel Peace Prize winner and Tibetan Buddhist leader spent time speaking about some of the serious problems that face today’s youth: violence, negative emotions, and many other problems in the world. His main goal while in Seattle was to encourage compassion and empathy in people and to help them see how these positive emotions will change the world.

The panel was made up of the Dalai Lama, musician Dave Matthews, Today news anchor Ann Curry, and other experts. The science behind compassion and early childhood development was discussed as scientists spoke about how children learn by imitating adults, and how that lays the foundation for developing empathy. Later that day, at the Key Arena, the Dalai Lama talked with some experts who are working on ways to raise healthier children. When asked whether or not schools should have time for social and emotional learning, he said, “We should have educational, emotional, and social experts come, discuss and make concrete plan -- how to educate from kindergarten to university,” adding that, “raising emotionally healthy children -- ultimately, that is preparation for world peace.”

Also discussed by His Holiness was the difference between limited compassion and unlimited compassion. Limited compassion is biased and not as rewarding as unlimited compassion. “If you limit your kindness and compassion to people with whom you already have something in common, than you’re weakening yourself,” he said, adding that you must be able to show compassion to those whose ideas you don’t agree with. He believes that compassion is biological and that all animals, including humans, have something to gain from being compassionate. “From the selfish viewpoint, practice more compassion -- you get more benefit,” he said, listing these advantages as inner strength, a lessening of fear, and sounder sleep.

• How does compassion show up for you?
• What has compassion taught you?
• If you were to teach compassion, how would you do that?

Empathy and Forgiveness

It is important to recognize that sometimes in life, forgiveness is what is needed. Would you agree that having empathy for others can make it easier to forgive someone? Being empathetic can make it much easier to forgive someone for their wrong-doings. Forgiveness, after all, is about understanding who that person is, where they came from, and why they act a certain way. To truly forgive someone is to understand how and why they did what they did as you put aside your own personal feelings of hurt. There is a link between empathy, forgiveness and acceptance. The message here is that you have to be able to see things as they are, understand circumstances from the perpetrator’s perspective, and be able to evoke empathy in reaching out to somebody who is feeling pain. Charlotte vanOyen Witvliet says:

“Forgiveness is the turning away from grudges and bitter ruminations in favor of facing and embracing ... the offender's humanity and need for grace."

An entry point to forgiveness is to start caring for the self first. If you can learn to forgive yourself, you can learn to forgive others. A certain openness will be created and with that will come acceptance around the facts of life and the ability to deal with the circumstances you are faced with. It involves saying to yourself, "This is the way things are and this is where I am in all of this." Acceptance, self-understanding, self-empathy, and then empathy for others are needed in order to open up the place of forgiveness.

The ability to forgive is a powerful tool. And it’s not easy. Stories of true forgiveness can serve as an inspiration for putting bitterness and anger behind you.

• Let us take an example from one of the greatest leaders to ever impact our world: Mahatma Gandhi. When he was assassinated in 1948, it is said that before he died of his wounds the next day, he forgave the assassin.
• Jo Berry’s father was killed in an explosion by the NRA in Ireland. In her journey of forgiveness, she says, “I'm beginning to realize that no matter what side of the conflict you're on, had we all lived each other's lives, we could all have done what the other did.”
• The Forgiveness Project “is a charitable organization which explores forgiveness, reconciliation and conflict resolution through real-life human experience.” Their website features stories from people all over the world about forgiveness that hopefully will encourage others to forgive instead of seek revenge.

Lynette J. Hoy talks about the Fundamental Attribution Error, which happens when we assign total responsibility and blame to others for our behaviour while using situational factors to explain away our own negative actions. What we need instead is to develop empathy for others by thinking about people’s actions through a more empathic view and using the Causal agnosticism exercise which says, "One can never know the precise causes of another person's behavior.” Ask yourself, Hoy says, whether you want things “bitter or better?”

Forgiving someone is not just about them, either. It’s also about you. Think about the words of Lewis Smedes: "To forgive is to set the prisoner free...and to discover that the prisoner was you." A study done with 35 females and 36 males showed the physical repercussions to holding a grudge versus forgiving. The participants were asked to identify a person who had caused them emotional offense and then focus on various feelings toward that person: pain, a grudge, empathy, and forgiveness. They reported feeling higher levels of satisfaction and control over their offender when feeling empathy and forgiveness rather than when feeling pain and nursing grudges. The study found that “forgiveness brought greater positive emotion, greater perceived control, and less physiological stress."

Tips to Build Empathy and Forgiveness

1. Increase your empathy to make it easier to forgive others.
2. Put your personal feelings of hurt aside in order to be available for empathy and forgiveness.
3. Understand that it takes courage to offer empathy and forgiveness.
4. Practice self-empathy and self-forgiveness as a way to help you forgive others.
5. Step back emotionally from what’s going on to minimize pain and defensive reactions.

Self-Empathy

Empathy often is defined as the ability to understand someone else’s thoughts and feelings. But in order to understand someone else, you must first begin by understanding your own thoughts and feelings. In other words, you must practice “self-empathy”.

What does self-empathy really look like? Empathy for yourself is recognizing that you have needs and that they do need to be met. It is about having great compassion and understanding for yourself. It is about listening to your own feelings with deep compassion. It is the capacity to honestly express what matters to you most. Empathy for yourself is being clear on what your needs are and how you want to be treated.

It’s also about treating yourself as well as you would treat others. Most of us are great at being loving, generous, kind and compassionate to others, but do we practice the same with ourselves? Buddha says it best:

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”

Self-empathy lets you be clear on your own needs and feelings, without confusing them with the needs and feelings of others. Confusion can occur all the time in relationships when people are not clear in this way. If you feel your needs are not being met, AND you are not clear about your own needs and feelings to begin with, you will be more likely to focus on how you perceive the other person is not meeting your needs properly… when in fact, it’s really up to you to get your own needs met within yourself.

As I was reflecting on the various aspects of Empathy I wanted to write about for this blog, I became mindful that I don’t always practice self-empathy as often as I could. So I did an exercise developed by Tom Graves where he suggests looking at self-empathy in terms of forgiveness. After I did this exercise, I came away with a strong sense of compassion for myself that felt new to me. It brought me to a new level of connection to myself, a feeling of being more my own best friend that I had not experienced before.

Here’s a summary of the exercise as provided on Tom’s website:

To understand self-empathy, choose a moment that you don't like about your past - something deeply embarrassing, perhaps, or an act that now seems cowardly or cruel. That kind of judgement comes up easily, even when we try to be sympathetic, because we're looking at those incidents from our current context, with all the benefit of hindsight. So shift instead into empathy, viewing yourself-of-then as if a total stranger, in another context, another world.

First look back into the past 'objectively', to help you rebuild an awareness and an understanding of your context - who, what, when, where and why - at that time, with all that 'benefit of hindsight'; then reach out not just to remember but to feel again the exact circumstances of that moment; and merge those two very different perspectives into one, viewing the actions of yourself-of-then within the overall context of the time. What were the choices and the challenges that yourself-of-then believed you faced, that led you to the actions that you then took? In what ways do your current judgements of yourself-of-then change? Seen from the wider perspective, in what ways now do those choices perhaps seem 'mis-taken' - or perhaps seem more understandable, given the full context of the time? Given that hindsight, how hard is it for you to accept, simply that that is what you did - for reasons that, at the time, were simply the reasons that you chose?

Those were the choices, there, then; the results, here, now, are the twists... And yes, with the benefit of hindsight, perhaps you could have done things differently; perhaps you should have done things differently; but those 'magic' words - so commonly a cue for self-deprecation - don't actually help in resolving anything from the past, and usually only make things worse. The past is the past: we can see it, but we can never change it, and any attempt to do so, or to make others do so, only ends up abusing someone - usually ourselves. Instead, use self-empathy's strangely dispassionate yet compassionate gaze to accept the choices of yourself-of-then: accepting that that is what you did, in what ways does it make it easier to be 'response-able' about it now? In what ways does your 'response-ability' change - empowering you to do whatever needs to be done now to resolve the unpleasantness of that moment in the past?

Why is an exercise like this important? Tom says (and I agree) that, “Sympathy and empathy demand a lot from us: honesty and self-honesty, in particular. And in turn they help us to be more honest with ourselves and with others.” In order to empathize with yourself, it is important to become objective about your past and forgive the things you don’t like.

Think about it: are you empathetic to yourself? Are you clear about your needs, your feelings? Are you experiencing communications breakdowns with people in your life, including perhaps those closest to you? If you aren’t treating yourself with empathy and compassion on a regular basis, it might be affecting the quality of your relationships with others.

Empathy and Politics

Does empathy have a place in politics? Does it help a candidate to show emotion and empathy, or does it hurt? Do voters want someone who is empathetic and compassionate (and not afraid to show it) or do they want someone who appears to be unemotionally decisive? And why is it that we tend to believe that emotional people are NOT capable of being strong and decisive leaders?

Taking it a step further, what does it mean when a woman shows emotion in leadership, versus when a man does? Is it different when the display of emotion happens within the political arena, by candidates running for office? Is it more acceptable for someone running for a low-level office (i.e. mayor of a small town) to show emotion than for someone running for President?

Are the rules for "empathy in politics" different for male and female candidates? Hillary Clinton is frequently criticized for being too scripted, too stiff. Yet on occasions where she shows emotion, she is attacked. When male politicians get angry and show it, they are praised.

As a Canadian, I have no vested interest in the election in the U.S., but as someone who coaches leaders, I can't help but observe that the U.S. Presidential race highlights an interesting issue in leadership: that the rules in politics are different for men and women, particularly regarding what emotions are acceptable for candidates to display -- and this includes empathy.

Before we even get into the gender bias in politics, let's start with this: is empathy thought to be more  closely connected with one political party than another? For example, there seems to be a belief that liberal voters are more compassionate and empathic. Do you think this holds up?

In another perspective on empathy and politics, what about a candidate who might try to use empathy as a political tool, acting empathetic instead of it coming naturally? If a candidate seems empathetic, do we believe that he or she is being genuine -- or playing a part and therefore the empathy is not to be trusted? I believe that true empathy is transparent: when it's from the heart, it will be recognized for what it is; and when it's being "used", I think most people can tell the difference.

Here's the gender bias issue: men showing empathy in politics can be seen as courageous, while empathetic female politicians are seen as weak. Are we buying into these stereotypes?

Hillary Clinton was quoted as saying: “It's that difficult position that a woman candidate is in, because if you get too emotional, that undercuts you. A man can cry. We know that... I may get a little passionate and carried away from time to time, and maybe somebody says, 'Women shouldn't do that.' Well, I disagree with that. I'm confident that people are going to say, 'Wait a minute. I want a fighter in the White House.'"

Women showing any type of strong emotion are often categorized as being shrill, weak or bitchy. Why is it that John McCain can show anger in politics, but if Hillary Clinton does the same, she's accused of having a "meltdown"? Tyler Marsh says, "This is a defining moment in American history. To see if we can grow up from 'bitch' to 'strength', while appreciating that an infuriated woman standing up for herself and her record is a sign of real heart, passion of conviction and determination".

So whether the emotion is anger, frustration, concern or empathy, it appears that the voting public -- not to mention the media -- is often quick to judge what it means when a candidate shows emotion. One can't help but wonder if Tyler Marsh is right: can we change our perspective on emotion -- and empathy -- in politics?

Empathy and Gender Differences

Yes, there are gender differences when it comes to empathy. Men and women do relate differently to empathy. As you might expect, women find it easier and more natural to experience empathy without a motive or "reason", whereas men may find it difficult to empathize without some incentive.

There was were two studies done by Kristi J.K. Klein and Sara D. Hodges at the University of Oregon with college students. The first study found that women show more empathy than men when given a task assessing their feelings of sympathy prior to performing an empathy accuracy test; in the second, both men and women show equal amounts when given payment in exchange for accuracy. The conclusion was that men and women are equally capable of being empathetic, but that men only show it when they're motivated properly.

Maddox Smye conducted a great deal of research regarding differences in empathy between men and women. Their research found that when men are focused on a particular goal or outcome, they tend to be able to raise their ability to be empathetic and to form closer relationships. Although men resist being influenced by others and prefer to make up their own minds about things, when it's important to understand the thoughts and feelings of others in order to achieve a desired outcome, they seem to have an equal capacity to women in demonstrating empathy. This research suggests that for men to have empathy, they have to have "a reason", one that must be connected more to rational thought than to feelings, and one that is more transaction-oriented. For men, if it's related to competition, confrontation or negotiation, they are more willing/likely to show empathy.

Men also view asking for help as a sign of weakness, so do men want empathy? Just an open-ended question... something to think about.

On a generalized bell curve, I think we need to recognize that there are real differences between how empathy appears, is experienced or practiced by men vs. women. Women, overall, are more relationship-oriented and often identify their sense of identity or being successful from the quality of their relationships. Women seek to connect with others for the sake of connecting. They want to understand, get along, work together in collaboration with others. Empathy therefore becomes a natural way for women to understand each other (or even understanding the opposite sex) and for building community and consensus.

A man is more likely to think: "Unless there's something in it for me, I'm not going to bother being empathetic". Men are more likely to communicate via facts, and women via feelings. Leaders who want to achieve alignment to values within their organizations need to recognize that those values may need to be communicated differently to men and women: men may require a more straight-forward, fact-based approach to understanding the connection between empathy and business, and to get on board with the idea of using empathy in building business relationships for the benefit of themselves, their teams, and the organization as a whole.

Here are some tips for communicating more effectively and building empathy and understanding:

• Tell more stories when trying to communicate a message: include stories that are relevant to both men and women, and that talk about goals, needs, feelings, situations.
• Be concise and specific about the bottom line of your message so that your audience (particularly the male part of it) understands the message, and the specific feelings around it.
• Clarify and confirm, when empathizing with another: "It sounds like you're thinking this, and how that makes you feel is this... is that right?"
• Trust your gut and intuition.
• Speak what you’re feeling and ask for confirmation.
•  Know the physical language of empathy: demonstrate eye contact, nod when you understand, restate to show that you’re listening, don’t talk about yourself (empathy is not about you).
• And above all: don't assume anything.

The Beingness of Empathy

When you get right down to it, empathy is more about who you are being than what you are doing. If empathy is about being able to understand another’s motivations, goals, fears or values, then that requires the ability to step back from the need to do something about that person’s situation or problem, and instead to simply be there with the other person.

In order to experience empathy for another, you need to “get out of your own way”; in other words, set aside your own agenda, ego, or issues to the best of your ability so you can “be” there for the other person. The beingness of empathy is open and spacious, expansive, limitless; you have to be that way in order to receive the other person’s message because you have no idea where it’s going.

Empathy is a state of being that does not require you to have experienced the same issue. What it does require of you is to step into someone else’s shoes and imagine yourself as that person, how he or she must be thinking or feeling in that moment, about that issue. You don’t filter their issue through yourself… it is more like you develop the ability to put your ego aside, move out of yourself, and into the other person.

The Dalai Lama has said that compassion is the supreme emotion, and that “The more we develop compassion, the more genuinely ethical our conduct will be.” Compassion is a necessary quality if we are to develop the capacity for empathy. The being state of empathy is about listening in a non-judgmental and compassionate way, about receiving, and genuine curiosity or interest in the other person.

Of course, the experience of empathy will be different for every person; we all have our unique “brand” of empathy. We will come to develop it in different ways, with our own unique skills and personality traits. You can integrate your brand of empathy into who you are as an individual, in order to make it work in the world.